My Fucktup Bloggy

Every relationship has its ups and downs. Lately, my downs exchange rate has been gradually increasing. Small fites, Big fites.. I don’t care who’s reading my blog. Blog are 1 of the few places to express our mind, views, ideas and feelings ryte? A place to share. Sometimes I get pissed with my gerl for valid n no valid reason. Out of jealousy. Old guy friends will msg her or call her up. Good friends, Best friends, Bestest friends, Most Bestest friends. Not jealous? Impossible ryte? All the guys with beatiful adorable sweehearts will be nodding their head and giving me a thumbs up. High five guys. And I sometimes do try 2 correct her mistakes, stupid mistakes, careless mistakes, old bad habits. Sometimes I have to remind her again n again dat I dun like she doing this and that but same results leh.. I can see that she’s trying to improve gradually. But then its 1 objective met, another objective to meet. Sumtimes I feel dat she care for friends’ heart more than mine by the way she do things, the way she msg and talk to her frens. Don’t boifrens have the upper hand? The better treatment receive from their gerl? It’s always an improve dis but Deproving that situation. But then of her tite schedule from School, Student Counselor, Traditional Malay dance I have to give way to her cuz it’ll jus add up to her frustration. She’ll be bz, tired, hungry, angry. Like adding salt to the wound. She also hv this growth sumwhere in her dat is affecting her health. She cant be under stress. Too much stress. So how? With all the things dat I wanna say to her, I must keep it to maself lah like dis.. Jus to make her Happy, Cheerful and Bubbly, I hav to sacrifice my Happiness? I’m a human to for god sake. Most of the time the guys have to do this. I want Happiness. I longed for Happiness. A peace of mind. Free from stress and tension. I’m tired to remind. I’m exhausted to withstand jealousness. I’m tired of spot checking. So what can I do 2 find this word or thing called Happiness? Happiness…….

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Post meant for 3rd October 2008

The Aftermath…

We had a big fight AGAIN jus after a BIG agreement.. I jus cant stand it.. To look at their faces.. I jus cant stand it.. Jus cant.. Tired.. Took initiative to borrow my fren’s laptop jus for the sake of sAyang cuz she needs to use the internet.. Took the risk of bringing out my HTA laptop out jus to let sAyang borrow so that she can do her assignment.. Jus to be let down again.. I dun wanna eleborate more lah.. Very heart wrenching, brain draining, limb twisting.. I’m very very very very very very tired of this.. I was very hurt for a couple of things she mention during our arguement.. Even in my super angry mode, i didnt say things until dat extend.. Some of it i feel is so unrelevent.. In conclusion, I jus wana be Happy.. Stay Happy.. Happy mind.. Happy thoughts no matter wat happens, no matter how bad the situation is.. I JUS WANA STAY HAPPY ALWAYS. Yes I’ll trust u.. I will sayang.. I jus will.. U jus study hard.. Study smart.. Pass all yur tests and exams.. Insyallah, u can ge ta place in poly… Watever u wanna do, regardless if i like it or not, is up to u k.. If u feel like doing it, den go ahead, if u think i dont like and u take consideration about my feelings, den u’ll know wat to do.. I dont want to restrict u so much any longer.. Seems dat the more i restrict u, the more stress i become… I jus wana be happy.. Happy… Happy…

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Post meant for 6^th Oct 2008

Tak seharusnya kita terpisah,
Tak semestinya kita bertengkar,
Karna diriku masih butuh kau,
Maafkanlah sikapku…
Lupakanlah salahku..itu,
Terlalu bodoh untuk diriku,
Menahan berat jutaan rindu,
Apalagi menahan egoku,
Maafkanlah sikapku…
Lupakanlah salahku…
Luapkan kepadaku…

Takkan kubiarkan kau menangis,
Takkan kubiarkan kau terkikis,
terluka perasaan oleh semua ucapanku,
Maafkanlah semua sifat kasarku,
Bukan maksud untuk melukaimu,
Aku hanyalah orang yang penuh rasa cemburu…
Bila kau tak di sampingku

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Hey Peepz wassup?? Jus updating maself for the benefit of some ppl out there.. Well, still in OCT n doin’ good. Celebrated my SweetHeart’s BDay on 5th of October. Wah, dah turn 18 lah die. Brought her out but didnt tell her where exactly.. Hahaha.. I like to give her surprises.. Wen we reach the flyer carpark she was like “Are we gonna ride dat? Are we? Are we?” hahhaa.. Half way thru the walk way to buy tickets u can actually see the Flyer was damn big n super high.. BuShuk was lyke, “EEEee.. Scared lah Bie”.. So cute.. As scared as se was, she’s excited as well.. Its my first time there as well so its sumthing new to me oso.. Quite an interesting place for 1st timers.. Off we step in into the capsule.. Cool man.. Jus like taking a cable car but this one is u’re jus going Up Up up uP n Up!! I can see dat she’s nervous by her movements n all.. We can see the F1 starting line, Singapore Habour, Singapore river, Esplanade, CBD area n the Underconstuction Casino going to b.. Basically, we were taking LoAds of piCs. Nice pics to StupiD pics.. Den while we’re sitting on the floor, all of a sudden, tears came rolling down Baby’s eyes.. Awed, Touched n greatly appreciate wat her Boy had done for her.. Up came my hands n gave her a Huggies.. She thank her Hubby.. A ‘thank you’ deep from the bottom of her heart.. Well, its jus a 30mins ride but its worth it.. Its for my Baby so dat she can brag to everyone dats shes been to the Flyer with her Hubby.. OK! time to balek!! No time to explore the area around the flyer.. Hubby need to book in lah Baby.. At the carpark: 2nd Surprise.. I gave her the present dat i bought for her.. She korek² cuz she dont wanna tear the wrapper.. ITS A SONY MP3 player!! She always wanted an Mp3 player.. Dah tekinje² Baby aku ni.. Happy she was.. So so so Happy.. Hold me titely all the way to my house.. Haiz, need to book in plak.. I get my stuff n myself ready den secretly prepared her Bday Cake at the kitchen. Brought her to the kitchen with her eyes close.. TADA!!! HaPpY HapPy Birthday Baby!! 3rd Surprise!! Dunno how she felt for dat day takig so much surprises.. We both took a bite of the cake, sent her home n send myself to HTA… Haiizzz.. Such a short but DEFINATELY a meaningful n an enjoyable day with my BaBy… BabY, Hubby hope u like wat Hubby had given u on yur BdAy.. Hubby Love u aLot!

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Sunday 21st Sept 2008

Hello guys, time to update  guys bout my Lyfe Journey..

Went to Ns last 3mnths.. Army.. Tekong.. Hectic Place.. It’s an experiece lah i shud say. Fieldcamp, Grenade, SIT-test, Live Range, Route Marches, IPPTs… The frens i’ve made during my 3mnths there, we survive together, in deep shyte together. The bond we have, Its jus unbreakably strong as steel. Its sad dat we hv to part after we get our posting. Y cant we serve the 2 yr NS with jus our BMT Platoon.. Haiz.. But life have to go on..

Now, i’m starting my new adventure as an Officer Cadet Trainee (OCT), not in army, but in POLICE FORCE! Wow.. In my heart, a sigh of relief. It’ll be tough.. In fact very tough if i were 2 go OCS.. The sacrifice OCTs in army v to face.. Btw, I’m Platoon 2 Best Recruit from the Best Platoon, n Proud of it. I’m confuse now. Although I’m going to NSPI course, but Police is new to me. Unlike Army, we know wat to expect in dis training n dat training. Police? Do they issue neccessary items like SAF do? Wats life dwn at HTA? How many type of ranks are there? Wat are their standards.. Hows the pay? The Book Out timing? Any ROs or not? Alot of Qns lah.. So bonded to army life..

Tomoro is my new begining. But today, My sweetheart is going to CHINA!! For her skool trip.. How lucky.. She have been to Japan, now China, later in Oct she’ll be going to Bali for the Pizahut Regional Champs Challenge. Me?? The furthest i went? Johor, Melacca, Penang, Surabaya, Malang.. Cock.. Hope i get opportunities like my dear in the future… I pray for her safe trip t n fro.. I’ll pray for u everyday sayang.. Enjoy, but at the same time, learn the culture, the way ppl there live.. Dont come back wif only pics n words of enjoyment. Experience n Learning something from these kindof opportunities is the most impt thing.

Wish me luck in my course k Honey.. I really miss u aot if u wanna know.. I jus dont wanna show it too much to u.. Hope i can be bck for my 1st of raye.. Hopefully! I’ll do my best! Gambatte yo Hafiz-san!!

……………………………………..OH! For my peeps, Quebec Platoon 2 Soldiers, all the best in watever vocation u guys get, jus get it done n over with this 2 year k guys.. We’ll meet after 9mnths aite? C u soon guys.. Miss u guys!(i hv 2 say this, haha, i reali mean it.)

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13th June 2008

Doda dont cry k sayang… Hubby will be there for a while only… Hubby not going aniwhere… Msg Hubby tau… Until the next time we meet.. Loving u always sayang…

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To those ppl who hated me b4, who like me after, who like me before n hated me after… I jus wanna make things clear to u dat dis incident doesnt happen overnight.. My mind doesnt fray dat easily.. The 2 years i had wif M no doubt, had been a wonderful one.. But doesnt it occur to u dat wen such a wonderful happy couple broke up, there is a major malfunction reason behind it? Or u tot u knew wats happening between them? Let me tell u this…. There is ALOT u dont know bout us den u already know. N DONT assume u already know EVERYTHING bout us from a single mouth. I bet u heard the story from M already.. But y not from my side of the story? Assume dat i would lie n try to run away from the truth? Sori.. Very sori.. I’m not dat type.. Isnt it unfair jus to hear from jus one party n u tot u already know the whole story? We use to be so close last time.. Taking care of each other’s back. Wen time like dis, u dont even look back n for once think or ask y i did this. Ppl use to talk about u, make fun of u, criticise u.. But i held back n back u up without u realizing it.. Bet u didnt know dat. Btw u said "WE" doesnt like, approve, agree wif me.. R U SURE BOUT DAT?? Hahaha.. There’re many hypocrites among the crews den u know.. They pretend to be nice wif u infront of u but they talk trash behind u. Bet u didnt know dat either.. U may think i’m trying to cover my shyte by saying all these but i’m not. I’m jus trying to emphasise to u how quickly u change sides n how quickly u made yur decisions without realising yur surroundings. Tell u wat… I’m not going to keep secrets animore aite.. Since ppl are assuming shyt bout this n dat.. Let my blog be the mirror of truth to whoever is reading it aite.. Nowadays crews dont like to werk wif u.. Y? Werking wif u is boring.. Kitchen macam bilik mayat they say.. They jus engage a short conversation wif u at werk jus to break the soooooOOO silent environment.. THEY SAY.. NOT I SAY.. I RYDER ALREADY.. I kept too many secrets lah.. Wat makes me piss off is dat, ppl leak my secrets without realising dat their secrets is with me.. N not fergetting wat Hafiz is doing behind yur back last time with the crews.. I heard stories u know.. But i jus didnt want to "jage tepi kain orng" I jus cant help it lah eh.. Hahaha.. Bout Rabita n the ppl she "admire".. Haiz, dari JENGO, MAHDEE, KC STONER, FAJAR, SENG… Y i didnt tell mazwan bout it although i n him are like brothers?.. I didnt like to interfere with other ppls life. Bile dorang break, i didnt choose sides.. I still treat them INDIVIDUAllY as my frens.. Watever the reasons they break up for…. Mazwan trying to get to know another gerl n stuff.. Its their prob, y hate them? Hear from both parties regarding the prob, advise them, n if they still wanna go separate ways, its up to them.. LETS say if they do break up, I’m still gonna be frens wif BOTH of them.. I lied to M.. Alot.. Is dat yur prob?? Watever decisions i’ve made is finallise. Kalau aku kene berak.. Is dat yur prob?? I’ve made a risk assesment b4 deciding n watever happens, i dont blame anione. Aku kene berak ngan Raudhah ke, ngan laki lain ke, apape jadik, I’m prepared for it k.. As u know, wat goes around comes back around. So I’m prepared if the shyt is coming back around n chasing me round n round k.. Not yur problem again.. Jus wana make things clear.. CHaos~

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Being laying low fer a while.. Something majorly went on in my lyfe ryte now.. Guess the ^one man woman^ on my name tag can be thrown in the dustbin already.. Not sayin dat i didnt try 2 b for the past 2years 11months. In fact i WAS for the past 2years 11 months. Wat made me astray? Wat made me change my mind? Wat made me choose another? Tell u wat.. Everytime i n her meet, she’ kiss my hand. EVERYTIME, without fail. Respect. I was v touched. ALL her msgs.. Telling me she missed me, love me so much, everyday wanna meet me.. Potential Undenialable Love.. The way she talk to me is different from talking to each other. We use SPECIAL words 2 call each other.. I can feel dat I’m much more special n different from other ppl wen she called me.. Frankly speaking, i miss dat feeling for 2years 11months. I really miss dat feeling.. I like the way she feed me, not becoz of our new found love. I jus like the way she feeds me more than u. Precise, more caring, excited. I never had a gerl so loving, caring n crazy 4 my in my entire life.. Mayb u are too but i dont know.. See? I have to use the werd ‘maybe’ cuz i cant gauge how much u love me.. Its very saddening u know.. These werds will prob kill u but this is the truth.. Its finally here.. Im revealing to u ryte now.. Love it or hate it, its here.. I’ll not hide anithing now.. U know these little things dat she does is so powerful dat they can cloud my visions about u.. Its enough to fill up the gap dat we had for 2years 11months n tore it apart. Its dat strong. We HAD something ok 4 the past 2years 11months.. We’ve been through alot. The arguements n fites we had. Every fite we had reaching to a point dat i wanna leave u, but i cant.. I jus cant make myself leave u.. I jus wann b wif u at dat point. My love for u is so the very strong.. Cuz i tot i’ll get the same love from u.. I tot we can improve on our relationship. The way we love each other.. But wat’s u is u.. I’m not saying dat u didnt put in so much effort in our relationship but u lack the ability 2 express it, to show it to me. U love me but u kept it to yurself thinking in yur mind dat u know i know love u v much. But u seldom say u missed me.. U loved me.. U expect me to know by myself.. I hated dat u knoe.. I hated dat v much.. Frankly speaking, who is the one who is smsing so many times KISSESs n I LOVE Us? Not only dat, but sms u asking watcha doing? Where are u? Have u eaten? Did u get a gewd nyte sleep yestrday? Is dat expression of love, caring or jus mere sms??? So tell me is it fair to say dat for all these while my love for u a fake? Is a lie? Its not fair actually.. Its not fair wen u said dat.. Sometimes theres these small reasons y people went astray.. Final say, i really treasured my 2years n 11months relationship wif u.. I appreciate all the major n minor things u’ve done 4 me n with me.. The gifts dat u’ve given me.. Its a sweet memory for me to tell my children bout it.. N i’ll tell them u’re 1 of the most beatiful ppl i’ve came across in my life..

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I thought Love is about US, not U, not ME.

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